We’re Pathetic (We’re Okay)
Jul. 11th, 2020 12:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
heonynchans“We’re pathetic, aren’t we?” Sunwoo mutters under his breath. Eric looks up from the bottle of beer he’s nursing, head aching and alcohol humming through his veins as he meets Sunwoo’s gaze. An amused smile dances on Eric’s lips.
“Drinking alone in our apartment on a Friday night?” Sunwoo continues, speech slurred and voice rising in tone. Eric pats him softly, rubbing at his best friend’s shoulder as he puts his bottle down. The kdrama they were watching is forgotten in mere moments as Eric pats Sunwoo’s back, sensing the tears coming. Sunwoo’s just an emotional drunk, that’s all. Eric would be lying if he said that habit didn’t make Sunwoo ridiculously cute.
“You were the one who insisted on staying in, Sunu,” Eric drawls, patting Sunwoo’s back gently. Sunwoo just shakes his head vigorously, hot tears spilling onto his cheeks.
“Too complicated. Didn’t wanna explain to the bartender why I’m barfing up flowers in his toilet,” Sunwoo mumbles, voice so incredibly low and tear streaked Eric might’ve been concerned. On the other hand, Eric didn’t know Sunwoo for twenty years for nothing.
“You’re the only one I have left in this world, Eric,” Sunwoo moans, suddenly dramatic as his wailing increases in volume. He’s a lightweight, that one, who insists he’s not. Eric can’t help but feel his chest squeeze a little at the sight. He brushes it off with a soft chuckle, hoping their combined drunkenness hid his dusty pink cheeks.
“Hey, we’re the two permanent members of the Club of Unrequited Love, you think I’m gonna leave you like this?” Eric teases him, light hearted in nature to try and fight the bubbling feeling in the back of his throat. Sunwoo just hums a quiet agreement, dropping his head into his arms as he falls onto the sofa and curls up into a ball. The prick is getting stronger now.
“I love you so much, dude,” Sunwoo mumbles, slowly drifting into Dreamland as Eric’s heart shatters. He gets up without warning, although none is necessary with the way Sunwoo’s already fallen asleep. The toilet bowl is his only accomplice that night, blood-stained and filled with delicate flower petals. His friend Kevin tells him it’s a red tulip, which stands for eternal love. Love is all Eric can think of when his heart is hammering in his chest, body lithe as Eric slumps against the toilet bowl, tears in his eyes.
“Love you too, Sunu,” he mumbles to himself, before sleep takes over.
-
Perhaps it’s time for a little explanation, of sorts. Eric and Sunwoo are the two childhood best friends who have been together since they were in diapers. They shared almost everything, from the chocolate-cookie scented memories to the warm, hot-chocolate taste of youth spent hand in hand. There was no greater force in the world than the friendship that was binding them together for so long, through countless struggles and arguments that never quite settled into something a teary-eyed hug couldn’t fix. They shared a mutual fondness that seemed to border a soul bond, but ask either and they’d vehemently deny it. They were just friends, right?
Mayhaps the greatest thing they shared wasn’t just their entire lives, but the same piercing plant that grows in them both. Red tulips, for eternal love, spilling from their lips like a waterfall. Eric had long accepted his predicament, knowing full well why his heart hammered away like an out of control power tool everytime Sunwoo so much as looked at him. The first week might’ve been the worst so far, Eric’s refusal to share his secret to Sunwoo piercing through his lungs like a knife through a piece of paper. Sunwoo was no better, bottling it up so well Eric barely noticed until he found Sunwoo almost lifeless on the floor one day when he came back home. There was a mutual pact formed then, to keep their secret for just a little longer, because Eric knew he’d have to keep his love to his grave anyway, a cruel kind of eternity to it all. To be completely honest, he just wants to find out the fool who gave Sunwoo his red tulips and straight up strangle him, but Sunwoo won’t tell. Maybe that’s the only reason Eric hasn’t relented yet to his feelings. He has a mission.
And then that brings us to the next morning, when Eric finds Sunwoo waking up on the couch with a pounding headache and he just knows he’s fucked because Sunwoo is flipping his heart too many times to be considered normal. He’s utterly unattractive like this, drool hanging from the corner of his mouth as his tousled hair resembles a bird’s nest. He’s scowling, as if annoyed with everything as he glances around the room. Eric clears his throat, catching Sunwoo’s attention.
“You want some painkillers?” Eric extends his palm in front of Sunwoo’s face. Sunwoo takes his offer with a mumbled thanks, downing it with a glass of water before he starts coughing. Eric nearly jumps, rushing over to help Sunwoo up as he catches the first petal flying out of Sunwoo’s mouth. Sunwoo just shakes his head, calming down from his fit as he sighs heavily.
“We’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?” Eric muses, trying to lighten the atmosphere. Sunwoo turns to him with a cheeky smile, the annoyance and pain in his eyes replaced with something softer as his hands instinctively reach up to ruffle Eric’s hair.
“Yeah, we are.”
(And perhaps what is even more pathetic about this whole situation is that they could both just reach out so easily. It would only take a moment for them to realize exactly what was truly happening. Realize how Sunwoo needs Eric like Eric needs Sunwoo, the red tulips in both their lungs yearning for each other. It’s utterly pathetic, how painful they’re making this for themselves.)
-
“You’ve got to tell him one of these days,” Hyunjoon deadpans, not fully paying attention as his hands ruffle through some blazers on a rack. Eric rolls his eyes at him, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets as he pulls his hood a little higher. It’s the middle of summer right now, but Eric is dressed for the exact opposite of it. A side effect of Hanahaki, the constant cold that follows him. It ebbs on the days Sunwoo is clingier, his body warmth doing wonders for Eric’s everlasting winter under his skin. Hyunjoon called him cheesy for it, but made no move to further that discussion.
“I already know the answer, Joon. He’s literally in love with someone else,” Eric huffs, pulling his scarf up to try and preserve what little heat his body supplies him with. Hyunjoon casts him an unamused glance.
“He still deserves to know, as your best friend, no? And plus, it could just be a perceived unrequited love,” Hyunjoon argues, pulling a leather jacket from one of the racks and holding it up to his torso before staring at Eric. Etic shakes his head for both questions, ushering Hyunjoon away from the jackets. He’s got too many.
“And guilt trip him? Sunwoo deserves better,” Eric dismisses, pulling Hyunjoon into the more expensive section of the mall. They were just window shopping, after all. No harm in checking out everything. Hyunjoon mutters something under his breath, too quiet for anyone to hear as Eric tugs on his sleeve. The grimace on his face is almost pitying.
“He wants you, you idiot,” Hyunjoon mumbles to himself again, except Eric hears it this time. He ignores it, knowing it’s just Hyunjoon making guesses again.
(But Hyunjoon is doing anything but guessing. He knows the red tulips on Sunwoo’s lips are also because of Eric and vice versa. He knows how Sunwoo will stare a little too long or hold on a little too tight to the one beacon of warmth he has and Hyunjoon just wants to scream. But he can’t say anything, too sure it’d just cause an even bigger problem. So he stays quiet and hides the tulips hos two best friends cough up, silently praying to the cruel beings up there to have mercy just once. He can only take so much heartache sering his two friends like this.)
-
Eric can’t quite decide which is worse, the bubbling flowers in the back of his throat or the way Sunwoo holds Eric like he means the world to him yet Eric knows it’s just the opposite. Laying in their bed at night is two bodies that mold so perfectly together, years of comfortable spooning engraved in them as Eric slots perfectly into the space between Sunwoo’s arms, face buried in Sunwoo’s chest as he wills the flowers down for just one night. Sunwoo isn’t helping, of course, whispering sweet nothings into Eric’s hair and thinking he’s asleep. His chest rumbles with every word, the feeling drowning Eric in his short moment of bliss as he feels the flower petals bubble up again. Sunwoo senses it at some point, pulling away as he gently shakes Eric and coaxes him to the bathroom. There’s something utterly soul-crushing about the way Sunwoo carries his lithe body like a precious piece of porcelain and caresses him with so much love, Eric could burst open. When they return to bed a few moments later, Eric places a soft kiss on Sunwoo’s cheek in an attempt to return the favour, although he knows Sunwoo’s already sleeping anyway. His body is thin and frail from the lack of appetite and meat to his bones, too weak to really be bothered with anything but chasing for every last bit of warmth he can get away with. Like a tango with both their eyes blindfolded, the gentle touch of trust and the secret hush of emotions following their every step. It’s utterly soul-crushing, Eric thinks, how he’ll never get to spin his dance partner in this cruel melody of life.
(And perhaps Sunwoo’s soul is crushed too, with the way the red tulip petals tickle his throat when Eric places the ghost of a kiss on his cheek. He knows he’s greedy for holding on so tight when he knows Eric should be with the person who he loves instead. Sunwoo knows it’s selfish to want to keep him close for that little bit of warmth, but Sunwoo decides he can be clumsy for just a little longer. After all, Eric just looks so perfect between his arms like this, Sunwoo can’t help but be selfish. He knows won’t have time to be selfish for long.)
-
And perhaps the saddest part of this story ends a morning three weeks after. Hyunjoon is the one to find them that morning, breaking into their apartment after fifteen missed calls to find the pair snuggled up in the same position they always have been in. The flowers are blooming on Eric’s lips, red tulips in full bloom despite being covered in blood. Sunwoo’s nose is buried in one of them, as if drinking in the scent of eternal love that they both carried to the grave. Hyunjoon is the one to leave a bouquet of red tulips at their graves two days later, a bitter smile on his face as he curses them both for being so incredibly dense. A secret to the grave, Sunwoo had jokingly called it once, sadness overtaking his entire being. Fate has a way of making Sunwoo’s little jokes come true.
And sat under the pouring rain is a tiny sprout of a red tulip, bulb barely peeking out of the ground as its root ran deep into the lungs of two boys who could’ve had it all. Eternal love was cruel that way, guaranteeing eternity in the harshest way imaginable, but it’s eternal nonetheless.
(And maybe Sunwoo and Eric are happy with their eternity, whispered confessions too late to stop the flowers but just in time for the other to hear. Like the blindfolds coming off moments before the sonata ended, only for the two dancers to recognize each other at the very last moment, before the flowers took over. Like an broken apology that lingered between them for the rest of eternity, soft realization accompanying their final breaths like the final notes of this unfinished symphony. Etic and Sunwoo loved like blooming flowers and a concert for the ages, but they wilted too fast for any of it to linger.
And maybe, that’s what’s most pathetic about it all.)
“Drinking alone in our apartment on a Friday night?” Sunwoo continues, speech slurred and voice rising in tone. Eric pats him softly, rubbing at his best friend’s shoulder as he puts his bottle down. The kdrama they were watching is forgotten in mere moments as Eric pats Sunwoo’s back, sensing the tears coming. Sunwoo’s just an emotional drunk, that’s all. Eric would be lying if he said that habit didn’t make Sunwoo ridiculously cute.
“You were the one who insisted on staying in, Sunu,” Eric drawls, patting Sunwoo’s back gently. Sunwoo just shakes his head vigorously, hot tears spilling onto his cheeks.
“Too complicated. Didn’t wanna explain to the bartender why I’m barfing up flowers in his toilet,” Sunwoo mumbles, voice so incredibly low and tear streaked Eric might’ve been concerned. On the other hand, Eric didn’t know Sunwoo for twenty years for nothing.
“You’re the only one I have left in this world, Eric,” Sunwoo moans, suddenly dramatic as his wailing increases in volume. He’s a lightweight, that one, who insists he’s not. Eric can’t help but feel his chest squeeze a little at the sight. He brushes it off with a soft chuckle, hoping their combined drunkenness hid his dusty pink cheeks.
“Hey, we’re the two permanent members of the Club of Unrequited Love, you think I’m gonna leave you like this?” Eric teases him, light hearted in nature to try and fight the bubbling feeling in the back of his throat. Sunwoo just hums a quiet agreement, dropping his head into his arms as he falls onto the sofa and curls up into a ball. The prick is getting stronger now.
“I love you so much, dude,” Sunwoo mumbles, slowly drifting into Dreamland as Eric’s heart shatters. He gets up without warning, although none is necessary with the way Sunwoo’s already fallen asleep. The toilet bowl is his only accomplice that night, blood-stained and filled with delicate flower petals. His friend Kevin tells him it’s a red tulip, which stands for eternal love. Love is all Eric can think of when his heart is hammering in his chest, body lithe as Eric slumps against the toilet bowl, tears in his eyes.
“Love you too, Sunu,” he mumbles to himself, before sleep takes over.
-
Perhaps it’s time for a little explanation, of sorts. Eric and Sunwoo are the two childhood best friends who have been together since they were in diapers. They shared almost everything, from the chocolate-cookie scented memories to the warm, hot-chocolate taste of youth spent hand in hand. There was no greater force in the world than the friendship that was binding them together for so long, through countless struggles and arguments that never quite settled into something a teary-eyed hug couldn’t fix. They shared a mutual fondness that seemed to border a soul bond, but ask either and they’d vehemently deny it. They were just friends, right?
Mayhaps the greatest thing they shared wasn’t just their entire lives, but the same piercing plant that grows in them both. Red tulips, for eternal love, spilling from their lips like a waterfall. Eric had long accepted his predicament, knowing full well why his heart hammered away like an out of control power tool everytime Sunwoo so much as looked at him. The first week might’ve been the worst so far, Eric’s refusal to share his secret to Sunwoo piercing through his lungs like a knife through a piece of paper. Sunwoo was no better, bottling it up so well Eric barely noticed until he found Sunwoo almost lifeless on the floor one day when he came back home. There was a mutual pact formed then, to keep their secret for just a little longer, because Eric knew he’d have to keep his love to his grave anyway, a cruel kind of eternity to it all. To be completely honest, he just wants to find out the fool who gave Sunwoo his red tulips and straight up strangle him, but Sunwoo won’t tell. Maybe that’s the only reason Eric hasn’t relented yet to his feelings. He has a mission.
And then that brings us to the next morning, when Eric finds Sunwoo waking up on the couch with a pounding headache and he just knows he’s fucked because Sunwoo is flipping his heart too many times to be considered normal. He’s utterly unattractive like this, drool hanging from the corner of his mouth as his tousled hair resembles a bird’s nest. He’s scowling, as if annoyed with everything as he glances around the room. Eric clears his throat, catching Sunwoo’s attention.
“You want some painkillers?” Eric extends his palm in front of Sunwoo’s face. Sunwoo takes his offer with a mumbled thanks, downing it with a glass of water before he starts coughing. Eric nearly jumps, rushing over to help Sunwoo up as he catches the first petal flying out of Sunwoo’s mouth. Sunwoo just shakes his head, calming down from his fit as he sighs heavily.
“We’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?” Eric muses, trying to lighten the atmosphere. Sunwoo turns to him with a cheeky smile, the annoyance and pain in his eyes replaced with something softer as his hands instinctively reach up to ruffle Eric’s hair.
“Yeah, we are.”
(And perhaps what is even more pathetic about this whole situation is that they could both just reach out so easily. It would only take a moment for them to realize exactly what was truly happening. Realize how Sunwoo needs Eric like Eric needs Sunwoo, the red tulips in both their lungs yearning for each other. It’s utterly pathetic, how painful they’re making this for themselves.)
-
“You’ve got to tell him one of these days,” Hyunjoon deadpans, not fully paying attention as his hands ruffle through some blazers on a rack. Eric rolls his eyes at him, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets as he pulls his hood a little higher. It’s the middle of summer right now, but Eric is dressed for the exact opposite of it. A side effect of Hanahaki, the constant cold that follows him. It ebbs on the days Sunwoo is clingier, his body warmth doing wonders for Eric’s everlasting winter under his skin. Hyunjoon called him cheesy for it, but made no move to further that discussion.
“I already know the answer, Joon. He’s literally in love with someone else,” Eric huffs, pulling his scarf up to try and preserve what little heat his body supplies him with. Hyunjoon casts him an unamused glance.
“He still deserves to know, as your best friend, no? And plus, it could just be a perceived unrequited love,” Hyunjoon argues, pulling a leather jacket from one of the racks and holding it up to his torso before staring at Eric. Etic shakes his head for both questions, ushering Hyunjoon away from the jackets. He’s got too many.
“And guilt trip him? Sunwoo deserves better,” Eric dismisses, pulling Hyunjoon into the more expensive section of the mall. They were just window shopping, after all. No harm in checking out everything. Hyunjoon mutters something under his breath, too quiet for anyone to hear as Eric tugs on his sleeve. The grimace on his face is almost pitying.
“He wants you, you idiot,” Hyunjoon mumbles to himself again, except Eric hears it this time. He ignores it, knowing it’s just Hyunjoon making guesses again.
(But Hyunjoon is doing anything but guessing. He knows the red tulips on Sunwoo’s lips are also because of Eric and vice versa. He knows how Sunwoo will stare a little too long or hold on a little too tight to the one beacon of warmth he has and Hyunjoon just wants to scream. But he can’t say anything, too sure it’d just cause an even bigger problem. So he stays quiet and hides the tulips hos two best friends cough up, silently praying to the cruel beings up there to have mercy just once. He can only take so much heartache sering his two friends like this.)
-
Eric can’t quite decide which is worse, the bubbling flowers in the back of his throat or the way Sunwoo holds Eric like he means the world to him yet Eric knows it’s just the opposite. Laying in their bed at night is two bodies that mold so perfectly together, years of comfortable spooning engraved in them as Eric slots perfectly into the space between Sunwoo’s arms, face buried in Sunwoo’s chest as he wills the flowers down for just one night. Sunwoo isn’t helping, of course, whispering sweet nothings into Eric’s hair and thinking he’s asleep. His chest rumbles with every word, the feeling drowning Eric in his short moment of bliss as he feels the flower petals bubble up again. Sunwoo senses it at some point, pulling away as he gently shakes Eric and coaxes him to the bathroom. There’s something utterly soul-crushing about the way Sunwoo carries his lithe body like a precious piece of porcelain and caresses him with so much love, Eric could burst open. When they return to bed a few moments later, Eric places a soft kiss on Sunwoo’s cheek in an attempt to return the favour, although he knows Sunwoo’s already sleeping anyway. His body is thin and frail from the lack of appetite and meat to his bones, too weak to really be bothered with anything but chasing for every last bit of warmth he can get away with. Like a tango with both their eyes blindfolded, the gentle touch of trust and the secret hush of emotions following their every step. It’s utterly soul-crushing, Eric thinks, how he’ll never get to spin his dance partner in this cruel melody of life.
(And perhaps Sunwoo’s soul is crushed too, with the way the red tulip petals tickle his throat when Eric places the ghost of a kiss on his cheek. He knows he’s greedy for holding on so tight when he knows Eric should be with the person who he loves instead. Sunwoo knows it’s selfish to want to keep him close for that little bit of warmth, but Sunwoo decides he can be clumsy for just a little longer. After all, Eric just looks so perfect between his arms like this, Sunwoo can’t help but be selfish. He knows won’t have time to be selfish for long.)
-
And perhaps the saddest part of this story ends a morning three weeks after. Hyunjoon is the one to find them that morning, breaking into their apartment after fifteen missed calls to find the pair snuggled up in the same position they always have been in. The flowers are blooming on Eric’s lips, red tulips in full bloom despite being covered in blood. Sunwoo’s nose is buried in one of them, as if drinking in the scent of eternal love that they both carried to the grave. Hyunjoon is the one to leave a bouquet of red tulips at their graves two days later, a bitter smile on his face as he curses them both for being so incredibly dense. A secret to the grave, Sunwoo had jokingly called it once, sadness overtaking his entire being. Fate has a way of making Sunwoo’s little jokes come true.
And sat under the pouring rain is a tiny sprout of a red tulip, bulb barely peeking out of the ground as its root ran deep into the lungs of two boys who could’ve had it all. Eternal love was cruel that way, guaranteeing eternity in the harshest way imaginable, but it’s eternal nonetheless.
(And maybe Sunwoo and Eric are happy with their eternity, whispered confessions too late to stop the flowers but just in time for the other to hear. Like the blindfolds coming off moments before the sonata ended, only for the two dancers to recognize each other at the very last moment, before the flowers took over. Like an broken apology that lingered between them for the rest of eternity, soft realization accompanying their final breaths like the final notes of this unfinished symphony. Etic and Sunwoo loved like blooming flowers and a concert for the ages, but they wilted too fast for any of it to linger.
And maybe, that’s what’s most pathetic about it all.)
